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NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
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Berry Offline
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Post: #1
NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
Yes,i finally made the creepypasta.To tell you the truth.I think i exaggerated on most part but you decide if it's terrible or not.I find it terrible.It is my first creepypasta.Here you go

The Original Version(the lame one)

_________________________________________________________________________

SERIOUSLY THOUGH behind the Edit Version


SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:Here's the first part of the correction. Your English is really good, the main issue you have is that you make a lot of phonetic mistake - 'fallen out' rather than 'falling out'. I say read more English, rather than just watching videos or playing games, then you'll get the spelling rather than just the phonetic word. Then just some things about you using the indicative rather than the past tense, but other than that, you're English is pretty awesome Cool

(09-09-2012 07:47 AM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:  Here's the edited roster part first of all



And here's part 2. All done and dusted Wink



________________________________________________________________________________​__

The Perfect Version
(The better,longer,improved version that include the extra scene of the unexplained Brawl's Death)

_______________________________________________________________________________

Here is the Credits

(This post was last modified: 09-10-2012 05:58 AM by Berry.)
09-07-2012 09:50 AM
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BumblebeeCody Offline
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Post: #2
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
Shat were brix!
09-07-2012 10:07 AM
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SERIOUSLY THOUGH Offline
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Post: #3
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
I have tears in my eyes I'm laughing so much Big Grin Great job
09-07-2012 10:35 AM
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Stan Offline
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Post: #4
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
The plot of this creepypasta was really top-notch. I enjoyed reading it, but you should really fix your grammar mistakes.
09-07-2012 06:35 PM
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SERIOUSLY THOUGH Offline
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Post: #5
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
(09-07-2012 06:35 PM)Stan Wrote:  The plot of this creepypasta was really top-notch. I enjoyed reading it, but you should really fix your grammar mistakes.

Berry, I'll do a grammar copyedit for you when I get home from University. Then it will be... THE PERFECT CREEPYPASTA
09-07-2012 09:13 PM
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Berry Offline
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Post: #6
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
(09-07-2012 09:13 PM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:  
(09-07-2012 06:35 PM)Stan Wrote:  The plot of this creepypasta was really top-notch. I enjoyed reading it, but you should really fix your grammar mistakes.

Berry, I'll do a grammar copyedit for you when I get home from University. Then it will be... THE PERFECT CREEPYPASTA

@Stanly

Oh sorry about that.It's just gonna be those few months(it started around two weeks) where i have to study this super hard exam and i could only squeeze the creepypasta at around 10 minutes at the night.So it's gonna be a while Til i do a revision.

@SERIOUSLY THOUGH
It WILL be the PERFECT CREEPYPASTA Big Grin
(This post was last modified: 09-08-2012 05:01 AM by Berry.)
09-08-2012 05:00 AM
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SERIOUSLY THOUGH Offline
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Post: #7
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
Here's the first part of the correction. Your English is really good, the main issue you have is that you make a lot of phonetic mistake - 'fallen out' rather than 'falling out'. I say read more English, rather than just watching videos or playing games, then you'll get the spelling rather than just the phonetic word. Then just some things about you using the indicative rather than the past tense, but other than that, you're English is pretty awesome Cool

09-08-2012 07:27 AM
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Berry Offline
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Post: #8
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
(09-08-2012 07:27 AM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:  Here's the first part of the correction. Your English is really good, the main issue you have is that you make a lot of phonetic mistake - 'fallen out' rather than 'falling out'. I say read more English, rather than just watching videos or playing games, then you'll get the spelling rather than just the phonetic word. Then just some things about you using the indicative rather than the past tense, but other than that, you're English is pretty awesome Cool


@SERIOUSLY THOUGH

Yeah I fix the whole Brawl roster death explanation.you can find it on the story too.So you don't mind if you insert it to the revised version.

Here is the fix:

Burtan Wrote:I have finally gotten Super Smash Bros. Brawl and my Wii and i started playing. I decided to do the Ness Suicide and see if it worked but i was in a surprise. I started the match on Jungle Japes and leveling Ness to lvl. 9 and i as it was begging the fight the game froze. And i saw Ness Smiling again. I was creeped out and decided to reset the Wii. When the menu came up i press the Start Game but nothing showed up.The intro didn't happen but the Brawl Menu showed up and for a second i was relieve so i push the brawl roster and to my surprise there was one single character and it was Ness.I found this very odd.and i didn't even choose the stage,it just said Jungle Japes and it went black for a few minutes.As i was about to give up, Something finally showed up though not what i expected.It was Ness giving that chilling smile and it was in the jungle japes area though something was odd about this and i realize what happen.As i looked at the river it was Red, and when i looked at Ness face more closely i saw red splatter in his face. Ness killed the entire Brawl Roster! I was so scared that i didn't do anything just watching Ness looking at me giving that evil smile,knowing full well what he done and is happy about it.I didn't expect anything else until he give his signature scream whenever he died and the number 33 showed up.I didn't knew what this meant.I turn off the Wii expecting something creepy to happen but nothing happen of the sort.All i know was that this night i dream that Ness was looking at me with no face.


Note:and you know what they say "practice makes perfect" so i can't wait till you finish the revised so i can copy and paste.Then put the title.

NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE by Berry
Revised by SERIOUSLY THOUGH
(This post was last modified: 09-08-2012 08:30 AM by Berry.)
09-08-2012 08:20 AM
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Berry Offline
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Post: #9
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
Yeah,I've decided to unchange the original version and make three section.
(This post was last modified: 09-08-2012 10:11 PM by Berry.)
09-08-2012 09:52 PM
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SERIOUSLY THOUGH Offline
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Post: #10
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
Here's the edited roster part first of all

"When the menu came up i press the Start Game but nothing showed up. Instead of the usual intro, the Brawl Menu appeared. I went to the Brawl Roster menu, relieved. But to my surprise, there was only one character – Ness. I found this very odd, a feeling that was further heightened when the Jungle Japes stage was selected for me. The screen went black for a few minutes. As I was about to give up, something finally showed up – though not what I had expected. It was Ness giving that chilling smile, and it was in the jungle japes area, though something was odd about this and I realized what was up. When I looked at the river, I noticed it was red, Ness’s face was also covered in the same colour. Ness had killed the entire Brawl Roster! I was so scared that I didn't do anything, I just watched Ness looking at me giving that evil smile,"



And here's part 2. All done and dusted Wink

(This post was last modified: 09-09-2012 07:48 AM by SERIOUSLY THOUGH.)
09-09-2012 07:47 AM
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Symphony Offline
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Post: #11
RE: NESS COMMITTED SUICIDE
Don't get me wrong, I'm not a creepy pasta specialist, nor am I a huge fan of this stuff. However, shouldn't one be a 'little' less humorous on a text that is supposed to 'creep' people out?
IMO, those points broke the immersion of the text for me.
09-09-2012 07:49 PM
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