SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:Here's the first part of the correction. Your English is really good, the main issue you have is that you make a lot of phonetic mistake - 'fallen out' rather than 'falling out'. I say read more English, rather than just watching videos or playing games, then you'll get the spelling rather than just the phonetic word. Then just some things about you using the indicative rather than the past tense, but other than that, you're English is pretty awesome

Spoiler (Click to View)

Ness Commits Suicide, by Berry

December 3rd, 2012

Nothing has ever been the same since the death of Burtan. The funeral was really quick; mostly due to the fact that his loved ones didn't show up (which I found really odd because he was the lovable one). It was just me, ma, pa, and a few cousins that just happened to be around. Nothing much but some few praches[wut?] and occasional cries. I had to give a speech about how he was too young to die and how that departing from the earth would be better for him. After the funeral, we visited his lawyer to hear his will. It was the same ordinary thing; like who gets who, what money goes to whom. I wasn't much surprised to see that I was rarely mentioned in the will, as me and my bro had a falling out. Until the last part of the will…
The lawyer looked grimly at me as if he were scared for my wellbeing. He wanted this to be a private matter. As my family went home, the lawyer gave me an ordinary looking box. He told me that Burtan had decided to give it to me because he knew I would make a good decision. I wish I was never born as I was to discover an ugly truth. Upon returning home, I opened the box. It contained Burtan’s journal, a copy of Melee and Brawl with a note that stated “I know you will make the correct decision”. I didn't really know what that meant, nor was I really interested with the games because I only owned a Playstation 3. It never actually dawned on me why he gave me his journal since he always said it was for “sissies”, and so this caught my attention later on. My curiosity got the better of me and I read the first page.

Burtan Wrote:
September 6th,2012

I've decided to get this journal to tell a story that happened to me, from the beginning. It all began the afternoon when I discovered a website called Did You Know Gaming. I was so intrigued by the facts that I decided to read the forums. I went to the “Submit A Did You Know” section to see some more facts or wrong facts and stumbled upon one thread called “Ness commits Suicide”. It said

“In Super Smash Bros. Melee, whenever you fight against Ness at Jungle Japes will result in the CPU jumping for its death at the beginning of the battle.”

I was so surprised by this one that I didn't even bother reading the rest of the post and went to the game (because I still own Melee and the Gamecube) to try it out myself. It was fun watching Ness commit suicide for 30 minutes and I tried it with just about all my characters that I had unlocked. The next time I tried it however, it froze. I didn't understand why but it looked as if Ness was smiling.

That was the end of this day.
________________________________________________________________________________​__________
December 6th, 2012

I was busy working that I didn't get time to read the rest of the stuff that my brother wrote. So when the weekend came, I didn't waste time and continued reading.

Burtan Wrote:
September 13th, 2012

I have finally gotten Super Smash Bros. Brawl and my Wii, and have started playing. I decided to do the Ness Suicide and see if it worked but I was in for a surprise. I started the match on Jungle Japes against a level 9 Ness and at the beginning the fight, the game froze. I saw Ness smiling again. I was creeped out and decided to reset the Wii. When the menu came up, I pressed ‘Start Game’ but nothing showed up. The intro didn't play. As I was about to give up, something finally showed up – though not what I had expected. It was Ness giving that chilling smile and it was in the jungle japes area, though something was odd about this and I realized what was up. When I looked at the river, I noticed it was Red, Ness’s face was also covered in the same colour. Ness had killed the entire Brawl Roster [ Wait, wut ? How did you come up to that conclusion?]! I was so scared that I didn't do anything, I just watched Ness looking at me giving that evil smile, knowing full well what he had done, something that he was very happy about. I didn't expect anything else and jumped when he gave his signature dying scream, coupled by the number 33 showing up. I didn't know what this meant. I turned off the Wii, expecting something creepy to happen, but nothing did. All I know was that tonight, Ness came to me in my dream. He didn’t have a face.

I was surprise that my brother made such a lie, but deep inside I felt that he was telling the truth
________________________________________________________________________________​_________
December 7th, 2012

Where was I ? Oh yeah, I remember now.

Burtan Wrote:
September 18th ,2012

Haven't played the game since that freak accident. I've decided to give it to my friend who was a HUGE Nintendo fan. It all started in the morning when we chatted on the phone. When I mentioned the accident, he begged me to let him borrow it. I was scared, but finally he convinced me that nothing would go wrong. This afternoon I gave it to him.

That day finished really quickly, and as I was about to close the book, a paper fell out…

The Newspaper Wrote:
September 18th,2012

In the middle of the night, a boy has been found dead in the river. The police force stated that it might be a suicide though did not explain why the Kid had done so. A witness stated that “we didn't think much of him until he started smiling, screaming “NESS COMMITED SUICIDE”. The family....
To read more go to SUICIDE on page 3.

I didn't sleep that day.
__________________________________________________________________
December 12th,2012

Sorry for being so late but I was spooked by the tale and didn't have the courage to read more. So here is some more.
Burtan Wrote:
September 20th, 2012

After the death of my friend, I was crying that it might be my fault this whole time. I can't escape from thoughts of telling people what I’ve done. A day can't pass without me remembering my friend. So I decided to get to the bottom of this. I went to a friend of mine and his girlfriend, and asked him if he knew any people that could help me with this dilemma. He told me to visit Sanchez, a person who knows everything about video games. I visited Sanchez, telling him what had happened. But as I told him he freaked out and asked me if a number had come up. I told him 33, causing him to go to his desk and cry.

I checked if there was loose paper and there sure was.

The Newspaper Wrote:
September 21st,2012

Two bodeis were found at the river. They were identified as Lloyd and Daina. However, no-one knows for sure if they committed suicide or why they would have done so. There is a possible connection with the death of another. The cops think there is a connection........To read more go to Death Connection on page 3

I didn't know why he kept this so I kept reading.

The Newspaper Wrote:
On September 23rd,2012, there was an arrest warrant issued to an individual named Burtan. It was stated by the police that they may have finally caught the criminal.

I was shocked that nobody told me about this (but then again, my brother never tells me anything, so I’d be the last person to know).

(09-09-2012 07:47 AM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:  Here's the edited roster part first of all

Spoiler (Click to View)

"When the menu came up i press the Start Game but nothing showed up. Instead of the usual intro, the Brawl Menu appeared. I went to the Brawl Roster menu, relieved. But to my surprise, there was only one character – Ness. I found this very odd, a feeling that was further heightened when the Jungle Japes stage was selected for me. The screen went black for a few minutes. As I was about to give up, something finally showed up – though not what I had expected. It was Ness giving that chilling smile, and it was in the jungle japes area, though something was odd about this and I realized what was up. When I looked at the river, I noticed it was red, Ness’s face was also covered in the same colour. Ness had killed the entire Brawl Roster! I was so scared that I didn't do anything, I just watched Ness looking at me giving that evil smile,"

And here's part 2. All done and dusted

Spoiler (Click to View)

January 3rd, 2013

Upon arrival at the police station, I found Burtan’s interview, it said the following.

The Interview Wrote :
Police: Why did you kill those three people!!!?
Burtan: For the last time, I didn't do it.
Police: You do know what they do to people in jail, huh?
Burtan: Yes, I heard that SWAG means Secretly We Are Gay and that it originated from prison, I get it.
Police: Then you better tell us the truth.
Burtan: For the last time, I DIDN'T DO IT!
Police: Then we will see you go down for a long time.


Then the police gave me a Newspaper

The Newspaper Wrote:
November 03rd,2012
A policeman was found dead near the same river in which the last three victims were found........... Read more at “Murder” on page 3

Then there was this one.

The Interview Wrote:
Burtan: Why is This Happening?
Sanchez: I’ll tell you what this means. There was this curse laid by a blind-paraplegic lesbian priest. The priest later gave it to the guy that swears a lot and told stories about how you trigger the curse by doing what you did but you suppose to do it on purpose. He later mentioned how the music was playing backwards and at half speed.
Burtan: Are you Serious?
Sanchez: Of FUCKING course not.
Burtan: WHY ARE YOU PLAYING AROUND; THIS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER!!!!!!!
Sanchez: Look, it is based on how many times Ness committed suicide.
Burtan: NO.NO.NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sanchez: I'm Sorry.
Sanchez leaves the room

Now, I realise why he did it.

The Interview Wrote:
Burtan: I admit; I did it.
Police: Why did you do it?
Burtan: ‘Cause NESS COMMITED SUICIDE.

Burtan pulls out a gun and shoots the officer. Then Burtan looks at the camera and says “NESS COMMITED SUICIDE” and escapes.

And as if I didn't already know. The policeman gave me a Newspaper.

The Newspaper Wrote:
At November 23rd, 2012. It has been reported that the murderer Burtan has commited suicide by jumping into the river. The Police states that he may be a psychopath..........Read more at “MURDER SOLVED?” on page 3
________________________________________________________________________________​_____
Janaury 5th, 2012

It all makes sense now. Why he gave me these games. So this afternoon, I threw the box – after setting it on fire – into the river where the deaths took place. As I did, a kid came to me and asked me why I was doing that.

Me: Because I finally understood why...
Kid: But why into the river.

Now as though I was controlled by a greater force, I said “Beware of Jungle Japes, kid...”

Kid: WHY?
Me: because......

But I was interrupted by the kid.

Kid: BECAUSE NESS COMMITED SUICIDE.

Spoiler (Click to View)

H.Isidro: for helping me think of the first draft.
R.Sanchez: cause he wanted a link.
SERIOUSLY THOUGH: cause he made me think of that joke and helping to Revise it.
Special Thanks to Felipegpm.To it,this wouldn't be possible .

(09-07-2012 06:35 PM)Stan Wrote:  The plot of this creepypasta was really top-notch. I enjoyed reading it, but you should really fix your grammar mistakes.

(09-07-2012 09:13 PM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:  

(09-07-2012 06:35 PM)Stan Wrote:  The plot of this creepypasta was really top-notch. I enjoyed reading it, but you should really fix your grammar mistakes.

Berry, I'll do a grammar copyedit for you when I get home from University. Then it will be... THE PERFECT CREEPYPASTA

(09-08-2012 07:27 AM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:  Here's the first part of the correction. Your English is really good, the main issue you have is that you make a lot of phonetic mistake - 'fallen out' rather than 'falling out'. I say read more English, rather than just watching videos or playing games, then you'll get the spelling rather than just the phonetic word. Then just some things about you using the indicative rather than the past tense, but other than that, you're English is pretty awesome

Spoiler (Click to View)

Ness Commits Suicide, by Berry

December 3rd, 2012

Nothing has ever been the same since the death of Burtan. The funeral was really quick; mostly due to the fact that his loved ones didn't show up (which I found really odd because he was the lovable one). It was just me, ma, pa, and a few cousins that just happened to be around. Nothing much but some few praches[wut?] and occasional cries. I had to give a speech about how he was too young to die and how that departing from the earth would be better for him. After the funeral, we visited his lawyer to hear his will. It was the same ordinary thing; like who gets who, what money goes to whom. I wasn't much surprised to see that I was rarely mentioned in the will, as me and my bro had a falling out. Until the last part of the will…
The lawyer looked grimly at me as if he were scared for my wellbeing. He wanted this to be a private matter. As my family went home, the lawyer gave me an ordinary looking box. He told me that Burtan had decided to give it to me because he knew I would make a good decision. I wish I was never born as I was to discover an ugly truth. Upon returning home, I opened the box. It contained Burtan’s journal, a copy of Melee and Brawl with a note that stated “I know you will make the correct decision”. I didn't really know what that meant, nor was I really interested with the games because I only owned a Playstation 3. It never actually dawned on me why he gave me his journal since he always said it was for “sissies”, and so this caught my attention later on. My curiosity got the better of me and I read the first page.

Burtan Wrote:
September 6th,2012

I've decided to get this journal to tell a story that happened to me, from the beginning. It all began the afternoon when I discovered a website called Did You Know Gaming. I was so intrigued by the facts that I decided to read the forums. I went to the “Submit A Did You Know” section to see some more facts or wrong facts and stumbled upon one thread called “Ness commits Suicide”. It said

“In Super Smash Bros. Melee, whenever you fight against Ness at Jungle Japes will result in the CPU jumping for its death at the beginning of the battle.”

I was so surprised by this one that I didn't even bother reading the rest of the post and went to the game (because I still own Melee and the Gamecube) to try it out myself. It was fun watching Ness commit suicide for 30 minutes and I tried it with just about all my characters that I had unlocked. The next time I tried it however, it froze. I didn't understand why but it looked as if Ness was smiling.

That was the end of this day.
________________________________________________________________________________​__________
December 6th, 2012

I was busy working that I didn't get time to read the rest of the stuff that my brother wrote. So when the weekend came, I didn't waste time and continued reading.

Burtan Wrote:
September 13th, 2012

I have finally gotten Super Smash Bros. Brawl and my Wii, and have started playing. I decided to do the Ness Suicide and see if it worked but I was in for a surprise. I started the match on Jungle Japes against a level 9 Ness and at the beginning the fight, the game froze. I saw Ness smiling again. I was creeped out and decided to reset the Wii. When the menu came up, I pressed ‘Start Game’ but nothing showed up. The intro didn't play. As I was about to give up, something finally showed up – though not what I had expected. It was Ness giving that chilling smile and it was in the jungle japes area, though something was odd about this and I realized what was up. When I looked at the river, I noticed it was Red, Ness’s face was also covered in the same colour. Ness had killed the entire Brawl Roster [ Wait, wut ? How did you come up to that conclusion?]! I was so scared that I didn't do anything, I just watched Ness looking at me giving that evil smile, knowing full well what he had done, something that he was very happy about. I didn't expect anything else and jumped when he gave his signature dying scream, coupled by the number 33 showing up. I didn't know what this meant. I turned off the Wii, expecting something creepy to happen, but nothing did. All I know was that tonight, Ness came to me in my dream. He didn’t have a face.

I was surprise that my brother made such a lie, but deep inside I felt that he was telling the truth
________________________________________________________________________________​_________
December 7th, 2012

Where was I ? Oh yeah, I remember now.

Burtan Wrote:
September 18th ,2012

Haven't played the game since that freak accident. I've decided to give it to my friend who was a HUGE Nintendo fan. It all started in the morning when we chatted on the phone. When I mentioned the accident, he begged me to let him borrow it. I was scared, but finally he convinced me that nothing would go wrong. This afternoon I gave it to him.

That day finished really quickly, and as I was about to close the book, a paper fell out…

The Newspaper Wrote:
September 18th,2012

In the middle of the night, a boy has been found dead in the river. The police force stated that it might be a suicide though did not explain why the Kid had done so. A witness stated that “we didn't think much of him until he started smiling, screaming “NESS COMMITED SUICIDE”. The family....
To read more go to SUICIDE on page 3.

I didn't sleep that day.
________________________________________________________________________________​_________
December 12th,2012

Sorry for being so late but I was spooked by the tale and didn't have the courage to read more. So here is some more.
Burtan Wrote:
September 20th, 2012

After the death of my friend, I was crying that it might be my fault this whole time. I can't escape from thoughts of telling people what I’ve done. A day can't pass without me remembering my friend. So I decided to get to the bottom of this. I went to a friend of mine and his girlfriend, and asked him if he knew any people that could help me with this dilemma. He told me to visit Sanchez, a person who knows everything about video games. I visited Sanchez, telling him what had happened. But as I told him he freaked out and asked me if a number had come up. I told him 33, causing him to go to his desk and cry.

I checked if there was loose paper and there sure was.

The Newspaper Wrote:
September 21st,2012

Two bodeis were found at the river. They were identified as Lloyd and Daina. However, no-one knows for sure if they committed suicide or why they would have done so. There is a possible connection with the death of another. The cops think there is a connection........To read more go to Death Connection on page 3

I didn't know why he kept this so I kept reading.

The Newspaper Wrote:
On September 23rd,2012, there was an arrest warrant issued to an individual named Burtan. It was stated by the police that they may have finally caught the criminal.

I was shocked that nobody told me about this (but then again, my brother never tells me anything, so I’d be the last person to know).

Burtan Wrote:I have finally gotten Super Smash Bros. Brawl and my Wii and i started playing. I decided to do the Ness Suicide and see if it worked but i was in a surprise. I started the match on Jungle Japes and leveling Ness to lvl. 9 and i as it was begging the fight the game froze. And i saw Ness Smiling again. I was creeped out and decided to reset the Wii. When the menu came up i press the Start Game but nothing showed up.The intro didn't happen but the Brawl Menu showed up and for a second i was relieve so i push the brawl roster and to my surprise there was one single character and it was Ness.I found this very odd.and i didn't even choose the stage,it just said Jungle Japes and it went black for a few minutes.As i was about to give up, Something finally showed up though not what i expected.It was Ness giving that chilling smile and it was in the jungle japes area though something was odd about this and i realize what happen.As i looked at the river it was Red, and when i looked at Ness face more closely i saw red splatter in his face. Ness killed the entire Brawl Roster! I was so scared that i didn't do anything just watching Ness looking at me giving that evil smile,knowing full well what he done and is happy about it.I didn't expect anything else until he give his signature scream whenever he died and the number 33 showed up.I didn't knew what this meant.I turn off the Wii expecting something creepy to happen but nothing happen of the sort.All i know was that this night i dream that Ness was looking at me with no face.