Resident Evil: Missions

I can usually tolerate games that are considered as "bad" but holy shit, that game must've been programmed by Satan himself to torture all the gamers and game developers in the deepest pits of Hell. Thankfully I paid nothing for this game (downloaded it free for my cell, sue me) and if I had, I would've propably demanded my money back for a faulty product.

The controls suck, which makes your character (Jill) run in a completely wrong direction half of the time. You press up, the game thinks about it for a second, starts moving left and ends up in a 360 running towards the enemies.

The stages are just horrible rips of the RPD rooms with crappy resolution. The camera never changes when you're in a room so you might just get stuck in the corner of a table even if there clearly was more room in the place and you have to go around it. Because of the horrifyingly bad resolution it's almost impossible to know where anything is and depth perception is pretty much non-existent, making it so that if you run to a door its actual location could be three feet away. Just where the wall should be.

The enemies have less intelligence than a mexican jumping bean, which pretty much means that you could be giving them a blowjob and be on with your life before they even realize anything happened. If you do, however, get grabbed by one of these things, you could just as well restart the level (though I don't see why you would do anything than just delete this game). There's no real explanation on how to escape the grasp of an enemy (believe me, I tried everything from single buttons to mashing them all to doing nothing) and getting away seems to be based on pure luck. In addition to the extremely braindead, there's Nemesis. He does run faster than you like he did in RE3 but more often than not he gets stuck in something or runs around in circles. One (and the only) funny moment happened when me (because of the controls), two zombies and Nemesis were all running around in pointless circles.

The gameplay, in addition to the controls, of this game is... I actually have no idea. The whole thing is based on missions (no real story there) that you do and you can actually choose paths in the mission menu. All of the stages are time based so you have to be quick if you want to survive. Actually you have to be precise to the very last second, which means it's trial and error which in turn means you'll be doing the same thing again and again, a lot. Like you wanted to, anyway. Seriously, no matter how fast you did everything, especially in the later levels, you'll always be on your last second when you finish. You do get a 5 second time bonus for killing a zombie but because of the absolutely ridiculous hit detection (if there even is any) it will take you about 10 bullets (which is pretty much all you'll find anyway) to kill one. All this took more than 10 seconds. I didn't even bother with the "knife only, kill everything" stages. Those also feature Nemesis, by the way.

The graphics are pain for your eyes. I'm no graphics whore, far from it, but these were the blockiest graphics I have ever seen and the polygon sprites had three frames of animation at best. I can see that they tried to export everything from the PS that they could on a cellular based platform but this only brings me to one question: why the fuck would you even try that?

This game was a complete fuckfest to beat. Yes, I beat the game... after having it for over a year on my cell, taunting me with it's horribleness. It's one of my greatest achievements in the history of Resident Evil. There's still a dozen more paths to try but I would never even consider torturing myself like that. I'd rather have needles stuck to my eyeballs. If you're a complete masochist and love to play the shittiest games ever conceived by man, this is the one for you... or what the heck, who am I to say, this game could as well have been programmed by a bunch of trained rats.

Note, that this is only the first game in a series of five games total. Would I want to try the others in hopes it might get better? I'd rather get run over by a lawnmover. One of those five games is a 2D version of this same game, while the one I played is the 3D version. The rest are Stories, Operations and Episodes. God only knows why this pile of doodoo got made into a series, let alone had another version. Someone should have at least tested the game before it getting released and my condolences to the people who actually paid for this. In the end, this game is more like a test build of an alpha version of a tech demo.


You know what.... I take back what I said earlier. A bunch of trained rats could've done better.