SERIOUSLY attempts - Ocarina of Time

[Beware of Cuccos]

(12-20-2012 09:05 AM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:  Alright, I'm back on the horse. Time to get out of this Mojo Tree and let you all know how badly it goes

You reeeeeeeeeally don't understand how excited I am everytime you post an update. I'm really hoping you like it more and more as you play. Or at least keep entertaining us

[A Zombie Riot]

Listening to this is really making me want to replay Ocarina of Time. Then replaying that wants to make me replay everything.

I really want to replay Skyward Sword, actually.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH]

- Episode 3 -

Right – exams are over, I’ve made it through to the next semester, and it’s now time to get back to serious business – saving the world.

All good world savings start inside a tree

Here’s a riddle to start you off. What douche wants you to save the world and thinks that instead of sending you to where the world is currently being un-saved, it would be a good idea to make you go needlessly through its spider and carnivorous-plant infested insides. Did you answer the Mojo Tree ? DING DING DING. More like ding ding don’t. Seriously; why do I have to go through this tree just to have the privilege of saving Hyrule? Maybe ol’ Mojo likes having little boys squirming round his entrails. Hmmm.

Well… It’s not as if I have much choice. I’ll try and keep this short because not much happens in this tree. The first thing that happens is a huge kick in the proverbial nuts. I walk in, taking in my impressive surroundings when “HEY! LOOK!” Faerie thing is faffing around some spider’s web. I get a bit wary. Why is she trying to tempt me onto a spider web? Fortunately, Link doesn’t stop to think and runs onto it. Clever Link. Looking down, I see what seems to be the exit. Well that’s easy. Oh wait no it isn’t; this is a Zelda game – I’m probably going to have to climb to the top of this tree, fighting random enemies along the way, find some small key that will open a small door into a labyrinth, the exit of which can only be opened by activating 70 levers following a pattern found in Shostakovich’s 9th symphony’s tuba solo. Then it’ll go dududadadududuDING and will show me a cut-scene of a door opening. A door that I have NEVER BEFORE SEEN IN MY LIFE and therefore have no idea it’s actually behind a wall that you push once to the left, then thrice to the right, then back again all whilst a disembodied timer clicks away. All I want is my time-travellin’ Ocarina

Of course, slashing it with a sword does nothing; that would be too logical.

So off I climb, dodging carnivorous plants and finding chests filled with… a map? Seriously? Mojo tree thinks that his insides are so difficult to navigate that you need a map? And don’t get me started on the bloody compass. What use is a compass inside a tree? “Hello, I’ve been sucked in by Mojo Tree’s genitals and I need to find a way out.” “I can’t help you there, bro. But I can tell you that you’re facing North-Northwest.”

Why can’t Link use his levitation hand powers at other points in the game?

I smell unnecessary padding, Legend of Zelda. I think we need to get to an actual plot point rather than making Link run around a tree for a while. But I’m just being cynical… Let’s enjoy this level and think of it as a tutori-SPIDERINYOFACE. Ahem, that made me jump more than my masculinity allows me to admit. (Brief pause – MS Word wants me to change “that made me jump” to “that made me jumps.” What.)

Luckily for me, I have recently acquired a slingshot and, I shit you not, some of Mojo’s many, many “seeds” *cough*.

Why call it a lance-pierre if it ain’t gonna lance pierre?

So now I find myself catapulting Mojo-sperm onto spiders like it’s nobody’s business. At this point, I’m more worried about getting arrested – pursuant to Section 232 of the Fort Peck Tribes Comprehensive Code of Justice (yes I Googled it) – than getting eaten by a spider. These spiders aren’t very smart, are they? I hit one with Mojo’s spawn and it doesn’t get damaged. So what does it think would be the next logical move? Spin around! Show its vulnerable underbelly! Perhaps they secretly want to be inseminated with dat sweet spewm. Ergh…

That spider’s going to need a whole lot of therapy

I’m going to have to stop here I’m afraid. I’m stuck in a room. I went into this room, that promptly locked behind me (thanks again, Arbre Mojo and your superb plans.) I killed some enemies, hopped over some timed pillars, found some pimp golden spider-amulet-thing, and opened a chest with a compass.

Now I can’t get out…

Link also got stabbed by a hundred golden spears

Oh wait ! Turns out I have sticks on me that I can use to set fire to the other torch. All is well. Apparently, I have 5 sticks on me. Sticks that are about as tall as Link. One cannot see the sticks that Link is holding. Where are the sticks? Terrible, terrible answers on a postcard please.
I have a bad feeling that I now need to jump down the tree and into the spider’s web at the bottom. That’ll be for next time…

- SERIOUSLY

[Xannidel]

This is just...wonderful...I love everything about this and wish you would do this for more games because your humor is just so fantastic...Also data Mojo sperm quip made me giggle longer then I wish to admit.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH]

NB - If anyone has any suggestions or requests of what I should do, what I should look for during the game, or if there's some secret place that I should know about, let me know !

[Beware of Cuccos]

(12-24-2012 06:01 AM)SERIOUSLY THOUGH Wrote:  NB - If anyone has any suggestions or requests of what I should do, what I should look for during the game, or if there's some secret place that I should know about, let me know !

There are so many secrets I don't even know where to start.
But if you ever get stuck, The Zelda Dungeon's youtube has a great walkthrough.

The Zelda Dungeon
Ocarina of Time Walkthrough

[Liamlikesmusic]

This is the best thread in the forum. No question.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH]

Here's a little something I saw on the world wide web today that sums up the current situation beautifully (and keeps you folk busy until I write up my latest play-session)

[Beware of Cuccos]

Oh my god.

[Zaliphone]

That picture reminds me of Hellbenders: Appalooza.

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH]

- Episode 4 -

Noooow this is the story all about how Link’s life got flipped-turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how Link got tricked into getting rid of Mojo-tree’s STD. No, seriously. Hear me out.

One thing that irks me about Zelda games is that the place where you save is NEVER the place where you load. I saved my game at the top of Mojo’s insides, ready to go all Assassin’s Creed and dive into the web. When I load up – Oh hey ! I’m back at the bottom… I’ve got to fight my way past all the creepy-crawlies to get back to my high perch.

Nulla è reale, tutto è lecito

Alright… let’s do this. FOR HYRUUUUU-shitshitshitshitshitIshouldhaveaimed*CRUNCH*.

Woops. Well that’s Hyrule screwed - Link will most likely never walk again. Oh wait, he’s just flashing red. Way to give kids a realistic view of the world, Nintendo. Fair enough, the game would be terrible if at every long fall, Link dies and the cartridge self-combusts, but it would teach the kiddies an important lesson : “‘Screw you.’ Sincerely; Gravity, Science, and Life.”

Second time works a charm and Link slices through the web and into… Oh dear... If that was Mojo’s abdomen, that means I’m going into his…

Oh the metaphorical implications…

Splash ! Right into Mojo’s ready-to-be-processed waste, awww yeah. Walking around for a while lets me know that the only way forward is through a door behind a spider’s web. “But how do I go through the spider’s web?” shout all the little kiddies whose attention span and memory capacities rival that of a biscuit. Luckily, good ol’ Nintendo has hidden a chest. Behind a web. Next to a torch. The fire of which you can harness with one of those plant-styx. (Talk about spoon-feeding the player.) After the blatant reminder that wood+fire=torch. Link goes all Braveheart and runs at the web (totally disregarding the fact that using his sword would have, once again, been a perfectly acceptable alternative).

Mojo should really see an arborist about this, rather than let a kid run around with a flaming piece of wood

So it’s out of the waste management room, and straight into the waste processing one. As soon as Link enters, Mojo once again plays the perfect host to the only person who can save the world and locks him in a room with an enemy hell-bent on shooting Mojo’s balls at him. Luckily, Link has already beaten one of these buggers so he quickly despatches (fun fact – can also be spelt ‘dispatch’) it, ready to give the killer blow. But lo ! The bugger speaks out ! Will it tell me to go where the sun don’t shine ? Will it let out a final battle-cry to warn it’s fellows ? Nope. It promptly commits treason and betrays his comrades, telling me that I have to beat them in a certain order (because apparently I’m fighting an army of OCD hazelnuts).

For some reason, Link spares the traitornut’s life and proceeds to the next room where WHAT IN THE HELL ?

There is no caption for this

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can now say that I’ve evacuated Mojo’s bowels – because to get to the next room, you have to get rid of the pent up waste by swimming through the bloody thing to press the release button. This is the most surreal, post-modern gaming experience I’ve had in my life… It has so much subtext and hidden meaning it could be written into a play. Legend of Zelda – Link saves the world (but first he must swim through Mojo’s urine to prove himself). I’d go watch it.

Through the room Link goes, killing yet another of those big spinning spiders. In the next room, we have the now very well understood fire-styx-web conundrum. Link sets fire to his styx like a boss, burns down the web like a boss, and vanquishes the enemy within (also like a boss) before going on to… oh, never mind. Dead end.

Oh look, a visual analogy of Link’s life so far

After that brief moment of embarrassment, Link goes on to what I can only guess is Mojo’s sphincter ani externus (do not Google Image that).

The “world destruction” option is looking more and more tempting

There’s something off about all of this. As a “test of valour”, Mojo is having Link travel through his body, killing pests and cleaning up webs. Perhaps there’s something he hasn’t been telling poor Link like “I have diseased bowels. Clean plz.” Hmmm, probably just a paranoid delusion…
Anyway, now Link is faced with three of these OCD-hazelnut chappies. Time to put traitornut’s info to good use. After easily beating the three in the correct order, Link confronts the final one; the ultimate barrier of protection for the queen, the last hope of his species. Will it tell me to go where the sun don’t shine ? Will it let out a final battle-cry to warn it’s fellows ? Nope. It promptly commits treason and betrays his queen, telling me her one weakness, condemning their very existence. But… what did he say ? I must beat a queen called “Gohma” ? SO NOW THE TRUTH IS KNOWN. Mojo tree has contracted Gohmarrhea and unleashed evil Ganon onto the world to find an excuse to call on someone stupid enough to be tricked into ridding his bowels of infection under the premise of the aforementioned “test of valour.” Well damn. I’ve already figured out the plot. Hmmm, I’ve come this far, I might as well get this over with. Off I go, to beat Gohma and make Mojo fit to Mojo safely once more (always Mojo safely, kids).

I’m no expert, but that may be your problem

The battle itself is pretty simple. As in 99% of Zelda boss battles, let the enemy faff around for a bit, then shoot something in its eye (or whatever’s glowing). The enemy will then proceed to have a hissy-fit on the floor. That is when you hack and slash until the enemy suddenly gets a grip and buggers off for a bit. Rinse and repeat.

It’s a good thing they added an arrow – I’d be lost without it

It is done ! Ghoma is beaten ! I can now finally pick up my heart receptacle and go through the 100% legit blue portal before me ! Hyrule, here I come !!

Wait what.

Well bugger me sideways and let me spin, this ain’t Hyrule. This is right where I was an hour ago. Mojo tree has reached Douche-level 99 – He promised me passage into Hyrule, yet I end up clearing up his STD. And for what ? We shall see, but it better be good because Link already wishes Mojo’s quick and prompt death.

Link has proved himself to be courageous and wise ? That’s the best you could come up with ?

Obviously Mojo tree still thinks Link is falling for his bullshit and starts wanging on about evil Ganon and how he’s looking for some kind of ornament left behind by three goddesses (one of whom is called Nayru. Wasn’t she in some other game as a witch?) So that’s the plot they want you to believe sorted out. Evil Ganon wants ornament (I’m assuming it’ll go well with his faux fur collection) and Link must stop him. Got it.

“I now succumb to a curse thrown upon me by [evil Ganon]. Do not mourn my passing.” Wait… Mojo… You don’t mean… Manly tears… Manly tears WELLING UP. I’M SORRY MOJO TREE. I’M SORRY I THREATENED YOU – EVEN THOUGH YOU MADE ME CLIMB THROUGH YOUR SPHINCTER.

Until about 10 minutes ago, he was more like the “Venereal Arbre Mojo”

I forgive you Mojo-bro. I forgive you for the fact that you made me go through your entrails rather than just say, as I now realise is the truth, “Go to the other side of the village to reach Hyrule.” Don’t leave me now. Not when there is still so much to do to save this world.

Goodbye, Mojo.

- SERIOUSLY

[Kai]

Another awesome episode

EDIT: To just say it was an awesome episode is an understatement.

I can't wait until you get into the meat of the game. The episodes can't come quick enough D:

[Xannidel]

You forgot to mention that the Deku Tree gave you a third of this ornament.

I am so happy to read these, you are fantastic!

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH]

(01-07-2013 11:29 AM)Xannidel Wrote:  You forgot to mention that the Deku Tree gave you a third of this ornament.

Ohhh yeah, you're right. I'll write it into my next instalment

[Beware of Cuccos]

So you have finally defeated Queen Gohma in the Deku Tree, gotten your Kokiri emerald, and are now ready to begin your trek into Hyrule. And also meet Kaepora Gaebora.