SERIOUSLY attempts - Ocarina of Time

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH]

- Episode 4 -

Noooow this is the story all about how Link’s life got flipped-turned upside down. And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how Link got tricked into getting rid of Mojo-tree’s STD. No, seriously. Hear me out.

One thing that irks me about Zelda games is that the place where you save is NEVER the place where you load. I saved my game at the top of Mojo’s insides, ready to go all Assassin’s Creed and dive into the web. When I load up – Oh hey ! I’m back at the bottom… I’ve got to fight my way past all the creepy-crawlies to get back to my high perch.

Nulla è reale, tutto è lecito

Alright… let’s do this. FOR HYRUUUUU-shitshitshitshitshitIshouldhaveaimed*CRUNCH*.

Woops. Well that’s Hyrule screwed - Link will most likely never walk again. Oh wait, he’s just flashing red. Way to give kids a realistic view of the world, Nintendo. Fair enough, the game would be terrible if at every long fall, Link dies and the cartridge self-combusts, but it would teach the kiddies an important lesson : “‘Screw you.’ Sincerely; Gravity, Science, and Life.”

Second time works a charm and Link slices through the web and into… Oh dear... If that was Mojo’s abdomen, that means I’m going into his…

Oh the metaphorical implications…

Splash ! Right into Mojo’s ready-to-be-processed waste, awww yeah. Walking around for a while lets me know that the only way forward is through a door behind a spider’s web. “But how do I go through the spider’s web?” shout all the little kiddies whose attention span and memory capacities rival that of a biscuit. Luckily, good ol’ Nintendo has hidden a chest. Behind a web. Next to a torch. The fire of which you can harness with one of those plant-styx. (Talk about spoon-feeding the player.) After the blatant reminder that wood+fire=torch. Link goes all Braveheart and runs at the web (totally disregarding the fact that using his sword would have, once again, been a perfectly acceptable alternative).

Mojo should really see an arborist about this, rather than let a kid run around with a flaming piece of wood

So it’s out of the waste management room, and straight into the waste processing one. As soon as Link enters, Mojo once again plays the perfect host to the only person who can save the world and locks him in a room with an enemy hell-bent on shooting Mojo’s balls at him. Luckily, Link has already beaten one of these buggers so he quickly despatches (fun fact – can also be spelt ‘dispatch’) it, ready to give the killer blow. But lo ! The bugger speaks out ! Will it tell me to go where the sun don’t shine ? Will it let out a final battle-cry to warn it’s fellows ? Nope. It promptly commits treason and betrays his comrades, telling me that I have to beat them in a certain order (because apparently I’m fighting an army of OCD hazelnuts).

For some reason, Link spares the traitornut’s life and proceeds to the next room where WHAT IN THE HELL ?

There is no caption for this

Ladies and Gentlemen, I can now say that I’ve evacuated Mojo’s bowels – because to get to the next room, you have to get rid of the pent up waste by swimming through the bloody thing to press the release button. This is the most surreal, post-modern gaming experience I’ve had in my life… It has so much subtext and hidden meaning it could be written into a play. Legend of Zelda – Link saves the world (but first he must swim through Mojo’s urine to prove himself). I’d go watch it.

Through the room Link goes, killing yet another of those big spinning spiders. In the next room, we have the now very well understood fire-styx-web conundrum. Link sets fire to his styx like a boss, burns down the web like a boss, and vanquishes the enemy within (also like a boss) before going on to… oh, never mind. Dead end.

Oh look, a visual analogy of Link’s life so far

After that brief moment of embarrassment, Link goes on to what I can only guess is Mojo’s sphincter ani externus (do not Google Image that).

The “world destruction” option is looking more and more tempting

There’s something off about all of this. As a “test of valour”, Mojo is having Link travel through his body, killing pests and cleaning up webs. Perhaps there’s something he hasn’t been telling poor Link like “I have diseased bowels. Clean plz.” Hmmm, probably just a paranoid delusion…
Anyway, now Link is faced with three of these OCD-hazelnut chappies. Time to put traitornut’s info to good use. After easily beating the three in the correct order, Link confronts the final one; the ultimate barrier of protection for the queen, the last hope of his species. Will it tell me to go where the sun don’t shine ? Will it let out a final battle-cry to warn it’s fellows ? Nope. It promptly commits treason and betrays his queen, telling me her one weakness, condemning their very existence. But… what did he say ? I must beat a queen called “Gohma” ? SO NOW THE TRUTH IS KNOWN. Mojo tree has contracted Gohmarrhea and unleashed evil Ganon onto the world to find an excuse to call on someone stupid enough to be tricked into ridding his bowels of infection under the premise of the aforementioned “test of valour.” Well damn. I’ve already figured out the plot. Hmmm, I’ve come this far, I might as well get this over with. Off I go, to beat Gohma and make Mojo fit to Mojo safely once more (always Mojo safely, kids).

I’m no expert, but that may be your problem

The battle itself is pretty simple. As in 99% of Zelda boss battles, let the enemy faff around for a bit, then shoot something in its eye (or whatever’s glowing). The enemy will then proceed to have a hissy-fit on the floor. That is when you hack and slash until the enemy suddenly gets a grip and buggers off for a bit. Rinse and repeat.

It’s a good thing they added an arrow – I’d be lost without it

It is done ! Ghoma is beaten ! I can now finally pick up my heart receptacle and go through the 100% legit blue portal before me ! Hyrule, here I come !!

Wait what.

Well bugger me sideways and let me spin, this ain’t Hyrule. This is right where I was an hour ago. Mojo tree has reached Douche-level 99 – He promised me passage into Hyrule, yet I end up clearing up his STD. And for what ? We shall see, but it better be good because Link already wishes Mojo’s quick and prompt death.

Link has proved himself to be courageous and wise ? That’s the best you could come up with ?

Obviously Mojo tree still thinks Link is falling for his bullshit and starts wanging on about evil Ganon and how he’s looking for some kind of ornament left behind by three goddesses (one of whom is called Nayru. Wasn’t she in some other game as a witch?) So that’s the plot they want you to believe sorted out. Evil Ganon wants ornament (I’m assuming it’ll go well with his faux fur collection) and Link must stop him. Got it.

“I now succumb to a curse thrown upon me by [evil Ganon]. Do not mourn my passing.” Wait… Mojo… You don’t mean… Manly tears… Manly tears WELLING UP. I’M SORRY MOJO TREE. I’M SORRY I THREATENED YOU – EVEN THOUGH YOU MADE ME CLIMB THROUGH YOUR SPHINCTER.

Until about 10 minutes ago, he was more like the “Venereal Arbre Mojo”

I forgive you Mojo-bro. I forgive you for the fact that you made me go through your entrails rather than just say, as I now realise is the truth, “Go to the other side of the village to reach Hyrule.” Don’t leave me now. Not when there is still so much to do to save this world.

Goodbye, Mojo.

- SERIOUSLY