SERIOUSLY attempts - Ocarina of Time

[SERIOUSLY THOUGH]

- Episode 3 -

Right – exams are over, I’ve made it through to the next semester, and it’s now time to get back to serious business – saving the world.

All good world savings start inside a tree

Here’s a riddle to start you off. What douche wants you to save the world and thinks that instead of sending you to where the world is currently being un-saved, it would be a good idea to make you go needlessly through its spider and carnivorous-plant infested insides. Did you answer the Mojo Tree ? DING DING DING. More like ding ding don’t. Seriously; why do I have to go through this tree just to have the privilege of saving Hyrule? Maybe ol’ Mojo likes having little boys squirming round his entrails. Hmmm.

Well… It’s not as if I have much choice. I’ll try and keep this short because not much happens in this tree. The first thing that happens is a huge kick in the proverbial nuts. I walk in, taking in my impressive surroundings when “HEY! LOOK!” Faerie thing is faffing around some spider’s web. I get a bit wary. Why is she trying to tempt me onto a spider web? Fortunately, Link doesn’t stop to think and runs onto it. Clever Link. Looking down, I see what seems to be the exit. Well that’s easy. Oh wait no it isn’t; this is a Zelda game – I’m probably going to have to climb to the top of this tree, fighting random enemies along the way, find some small key that will open a small door into a labyrinth, the exit of which can only be opened by activating 70 levers following a pattern found in Shostakovich’s 9th symphony’s tuba solo. Then it’ll go dududadadududuDING and will show me a cut-scene of a door opening. A door that I have NEVER BEFORE SEEN IN MY LIFE and therefore have no idea it’s actually behind a wall that you push once to the left, then thrice to the right, then back again all whilst a disembodied timer clicks away. All I want is my time-travellin’ Ocarina

Of course, slashing it with a sword does nothing; that would be too logical.

So off I climb, dodging carnivorous plants and finding chests filled with… a map? Seriously? Mojo tree thinks that his insides are so difficult to navigate that you need a map? And don’t get me started on the bloody compass. What use is a compass inside a tree? “Hello, I’ve been sucked in by Mojo Tree’s genitals and I need to find a way out.” “I can’t help you there, bro. But I can tell you that you’re facing North-Northwest.”

Why can’t Link use his levitation hand powers at other points in the game?

I smell unnecessary padding, Legend of Zelda. I think we need to get to an actual plot point rather than making Link run around a tree for a while. But I’m just being cynical… Let’s enjoy this level and think of it as a tutori-SPIDERINYOFACE. Ahem, that made me jump more than my masculinity allows me to admit. (Brief pause – MS Word wants me to change “that made me jump” to “that made me jumps.” What.)

Luckily for me, I have recently acquired a slingshot and, I shit you not, some of Mojo’s many, many “seeds” *cough*.

Why call it a lance-pierre if it ain’t gonna lance pierre?

So now I find myself catapulting Mojo-sperm onto spiders like it’s nobody’s business. At this point, I’m more worried about getting arrested – pursuant to Section 232 of the Fort Peck Tribes Comprehensive Code of Justice (yes I Googled it) – than getting eaten by a spider. These spiders aren’t very smart, are they? I hit one with Mojo’s spawn and it doesn’t get damaged. So what does it think would be the next logical move? Spin around! Show its vulnerable underbelly! Perhaps they secretly want to be inseminated with dat sweet spewm. Ergh…

That spider’s going to need a whole lot of therapy

I’m going to have to stop here I’m afraid. I’m stuck in a room. I went into this room, that promptly locked behind me (thanks again, Arbre Mojo and your superb plans.) I killed some enemies, hopped over some timed pillars, found some pimp golden spider-amulet-thing, and opened a chest with a compass.

Now I can’t get out…

Link also got stabbed by a hundred golden spears

Oh wait ! Turns out I have sticks on me that I can use to set fire to the other torch. All is well. Apparently, I have 5 sticks on me. Sticks that are about as tall as Link. One cannot see the sticks that Link is holding. Where are the sticks? Terrible, terrible answers on a postcard please.
I have a bad feeling that I now need to jump down the tree and into the spider’s web at the bottom. That’ll be for next time…

- SERIOUSLY