Relationships.

[Nuudoru]

Alright, time for some real talk.

A few years ago I somehow ended up scoring a girlfriend through the internet. So it was a Longdistance relationship. Since this was my first relationship at all I was so excited like god damn. Having a girlfriend was awesome, even though I could never actually meet or touch her. After 2-3 months things already started to get pretty bad, might even say unhealthy. She was very needy and text messaged me like a mad man. 27 messages when I woke up in the morning? Shrugged it off like it was tuesday. She was like that. That wasn't what really disturbed our relationship at first. What made it even more annoying that she was needy was how I am. I have always know I'm not boyfriend material. This is not bad self-esteem talking. I'm just have always preferred solitude and I need it function in my daily life. She never really gave me the space to give me solitude, which backfired with me being able to disappear from everywhere for several days just to be alone. Both our attitudes led to us fight a lot which made us both very depressed and sad.
In an attempt to save our relationship I scrambled together my last cash to visit her. My visit to her went far beyond my expectations. She was beautiful and we clicked very naturally with eachother and shared our first kiss on day one. Too bad her parents didn't really click with me though.. After being there for a couple of days it turns out her parents hated me and told me I could never visit their house again. This shocked me, her, and took a hit on our relationship that it didn't need. After a lot of discussing we somehow decided that our love was the right thing and kept it going even though we were kind of depressed about how our relationship were. We started becoming pretty dependent on eachother because when we talked with eachother we finally felt really happy about everything. For the time, it was great. I finally got to visit her again when I decided to check in to a hostel instead just to give her parents the finger. Things went well that time. Maybe even better. It blew my teenage mind.
Now we come to the part which makes this whole relationship my worst experience ever. Back at home things weren't great overall. I lived with my mom, which was normal for my age, but she didn't quite like it anyway. She ended up getting a boyfriend that lived in another town and told me to move out. I was too young to get any welfare for that, so I had to move with her to a town where I knew no one. The move forced me to quit school and move far away from my friends. It was the first time in my life that I've had nobody to hang out with in the town I live in and I felt lonlier than ever. This made me depend even more on my girlfriend, which she didn't really mind. .. Which is what I thought. During my weakest moment, when all else had failed (no job, new school turned me down and no friends) she decided to break up with me. She wouldn't even talk me about it. All I knew was that it was over and that it couldn't work. When this happened I had literally lost everything and I completely broke apart. I didn't really cry because there was something new in me that had been crushed. Love is complicated. I comforted myself by thinking that the issue was that she didn't want a longdistance relationship. Then after a couple of days I see a picture of her kissing a new guy, who also lived very far away from her. This was a turning moment in my life. Before this, during my childhood, I had been both bullied and thrown out by my dad. But this.. That I felt when I saw that picture, left me with stronger emotions than anything else. I was done with relationships forever.

So nowadays my view of relationships at all isn't a very good one. I have always been surrounded by bad ones, and been in a very bad one. Some might say that I might be stubborn to still be like this after 4 years. It's just that I never want to go through what I once did. In the end I seriously feel like it wasn't worth it. I can't say that I regret being in a relationship since I left it behind me with wisdom, but it could've ended better. If I ever meet a girl one day that I really like, I might give it another shot. But until then? I won't even consider for a "she might be nice" relationship. I feel that I'm more picky than I should be. Especially since I've turned down two girls. Probably because both of them would end up being LDR.

Kudos to you if you actually read this through.